Milestones

Today I turned a new milestone, I discovered I truly am no longer in love with my ex.  He called me and I felt nothing, no anger, no love, nothing.  Then after awhile I got online, and could not think of anything to say.   I think I am beginning to find my freedom.  I am not even concerned if he gets mad.  He will have to come and find me to actually hurt me again. I sincerely doubt if he has the guts to do that even.

I can finally get my divorce, I have nothing holding me back anymore.  I will file in November if possible.  I need to check legal services at church.  I will try to find out who I need to speak to Sunday.  I will also file for a temple divorce.  I made a huge mistake ever knowing my ex.  I do not need to continue this charade.

I at first let my family influence my dicision, but then I figured it was up to me.  He can think what ever he feels about the whole thing, it does not matter to me.  I don't love him, don't even care about him or his feelings.  He is a totally selfish and cruel man.

This post is a short one this time.  I cannot let this man influence me anymore.  I cannot let him manipulate me or put me into misery.  I hurt with his violent ways and I need to be strong for me.  I want to control my life.  I want to take care of me.  This will truly be the first time in my life I have ever done so.  

Freedom...an act of faith.

Its after 1:30 am., I am and I am sitting here on my bed.  I have done something I am so scared about I am not even sure what to feel about it.  As I have said here before, I am separated from my husband.  Well I told him to kiss off tonight.  I had thought I could still be his friend, well, actually I allowed him to black mail me into being his friend.  He has hurt me so many times, and I am praying I will be smart enough this time to just let him go.

He has made promises only to break them.  He had belittled me so much, I ached with shame.  He finally lied one time too many.  He tricked me one last time.  I am appalled at his audacity and his complete disregard for decency.  I am sure he is reeling right now.  I am sure he is plotting his own death (again, and yet again). I am only sorry he could never learn to be kind and considerate of anyone else but himself.

I am sorry to sound like such a bitch, but honestly I have tried to be kind to him.  I have been disappointed so much.  I let him control my life and my living for 5 years.  Five long and painful years, lost. I want my freedom, my mind to be open, my heart to be free.  I need to forget he lives.  I need to escape his grip. I just wish I did not hate his friggen guts so much.

I will divorce him, and throw away the key.  I am so pissed off, I hate, I hurt, I am more than angry.  I may someday forgive him, but not today.  I must keep this resolve to escape.  I am 700 miles from him, but I feel his hands on my throat. Damn him and curse him.

I am sorry he is mentally ill, sorry he makes everything an affront toward himself.  He is the one who hurts, I am the mean one, I am evil, cruel and the cause of his pain....I admit I am in some ways.  But I am not going to let that destroy me any longer.

Father forgive me if he actually does kill himself, but as I said, it does not make a difference now.

Yet, I feel compassion toward him.  I am sorry for his pain, for his anger. He should be in hospital.  He needs so much help.

Fairness

I just want to be free, I need a car.  I can use my daughter's, not that I am ungrateful, but its not the same.  I cannot go where I want, cannot do what I want. I am stuck in a gilded cage.  I am whining, but I have to get this out.  Its not fair.  I left my car with the Ex.  I am not going to give it to him...I don't give a damn if his sister paid for it.  Its in my name. I own it.

I am grateful, for so much..I just want to have my independence.  I want to go to the mall, get groceries, go for a drive...go the church on my own.  Is that too much to ask.  I know its not cheap, insurance, gas, maintainance.   I am just so sick and tired of being stuck.  I want what I want.

Every body else can do what they want, they can come and go.  I hate this. I hate living by someone else's schedule.  I don't want to do that anymore, it's not fair.

Cripes, I cannot go to church.

I wish I could accept this, its so stupid.

Pains

I am feeling kinda down today...I don't get it sometimes.  I have tried to do the right thing most of my life.  I have blown it so many times...I am really pissed off at myself.  I think I have friends and family, but they don't have time for me.  They whine and cry over their petty little lives, how rough they have it.  God they don't even appreciate the things they have.  I am\ so sick and tired of the all the bullshit.

I know right now I am being just as petty. but since this is my blog to put down my feelings so be it.  I get angry, upset and cannot handle the things that I have to deal with.  My Ex is a fucking lunatic, my sister is a cry baby, my nieces are morons.  My son is an ungrateful bastard, and my daughter a complainer.  Do they appreciate what they have......

I see the beauty in life, the trees, flowers, the rain, snow, and even the heat of the sun.  I am grateful for my little apartment.  I have my dogs, my health, my life.

But honestly, some days, its not enough.  I want to live, travel, be free, do what I please.  I am stuck in this little apartment.  I wish I had my car.  I wish I had any car.  I hate being dependent on someone
else...Don't.get me wrong, the car I use is very nice...but its not mine, I can't go where I want or do what I want.  I hate this...I hate all this.

I wanted to become independent, not stuck. I wanted to be free. I feel like I am in a gilded cage. Do I appreciate what I have....

I guess each of us are in need to more appreciation.  We need to accept the situation we have put ourselves in, or change it.  I for one would very much like to change it.  I do want to be free, more independent.  So, I better find a way to get a car...I like the idea of just going to the mall for no reason, or going for a drive, or doing things on my own schedule.  I am trying to find a way.  I will have to finance the car, insure it, gas, maintain it...This is not so cheap anymore.  But I want it darnit. I shall have it, oh yes I will.

I probably ask for more than I should have....but that's my right isn't it...

Fooey!!

Frustrated

I have to say this even though it may hurt.  I have been dealing with someone, who had been my friend      
and who I am extremely upset and unhappy with.  This person is both sweet and the devil to me.  I hate what I feeling.

Ok, I have been married on the past, my first husband and I spent 30 years together.  Then he passed away from a brain tumor.  He was a joyful and loving man.  I really loved him.. He gave me two incredibly special children.  I missed him so much... I was not a good wife to him..still he loved me so much.  He had many a good excuse to leave me.  He just kept struggling with my insanity, and I later found out I was Bi-polar. When things finally got better, He got sick and with in a few months he was gone.

So, I felt cast adrift.  I had gotten his insurance and it was a fairly substantial amount, enough to take good care of me.  But My disease made me foolish, I literally spent it all in 20 months.  Suddenly, I was out of the money I should have had.  I was desperate.  My disease made me fear being alone.  I needed someone to save me...I began to look for another paycheck.  I looked on line, I searched for someone to save me.  I played many games to get someone to "fall in love" with me.  After about six months, I found my patsy.

I did not care that he was emotionally unstable, I could change that.  I did not care if he had an anger management problem..I could fix that. I just saw dollar signs.  Someone who would help me and take care of me.  Perfect.

Then we met, he put his best foot forward, just was the sweetest man.  I did not listen to my inner voice that was screaming loud and clear...leave this person alone.  Do Not Get Involved With Him!! I was sure I knew better...so I closed that door and started a relationship. After another six months I convinced him to marry me.  I thought everything would be just wonderful.  The very day we went on our honey moon, a small but significant incident occurred.  I was started, but I shook it off.  Then in a bit he got peeved at a remark I made, and called me the same obscenity.  I was suddenly very upset.  I walked away, crying.

He came after me and apologized, so I felt I must have misunderstood. For about a year, my life was good.  Then things began to change, thoughtless wards, accusations, and misplaced anger.. I had done it, stepped into a woman's worse nightmare.  I didn't listen to my still small voice.  I was learning the very hard way what that meant.

He is an abuser.  My bi-polar did not help me, it made me explosive.  I gave him as he gave me.  Then 20 months ago he hit me.  3 years of a hard relationship had deteriorated into this.  He had pushed my daughter,  he threw angry words and curses at me. When he hurt my girl, I knew she had to get out for her own safety.  So, I let him talk me into making her go to my family.

I struggled with him for 2 more years. He made me spend all my money on him.  Then, there was a bad day, He slapped me, he hurled curses at me.  I felt I must have done something to anger him....so I cried and managed to get myself under control..

He had started taking drugs.  He was like the typical abuser, he would hurt me, he would apologize and I would forgive him.  Then he slapped me again, and then again. he even tried rape. One day he doubled up his fist, I knew things were totally out of control.  I was threatened with my life. But, he promised to change, he said how sorry he was.  I believed him, until he threatened me with a hand gun, and a knife. I knew I had to get out.  So finally, 11 months ago I got the courage together and packed some stuff, and ran for my life, to my sister's house.

I only returned to the house a few days later to get more of my stuff from the house. I had people with me, I would never have gone alone.  I gave him my car.  I had to get away from him, any sacrifice was worth it.  I went to Utah to stay with my niece. I tried to keep things cool with him, he had my things and my dogs.  I wanted to get as much as I could from him, I tried to be nice...but old anger and the pain of the abuse nearly undid me.  I stressed over every word I said. But, sometimes the anger would caused me to argue with him.  He threatened to kill me, and himself.  I knew it was possible.  Finally things stablized  enough to go back and get my things.  He tried suicide 5 times.  He is in the hospital right now as a matter of fact.

I am finally free, I cannot keep him from doing anything he wants to do.  He feels "so guilty" he wants to kill himself, in a vain attempt to make me go back to him.  I know, I was very stupid and selfish.  I am now ashamed of what I did to him.  But, I am also glad I am away from the nightmare.  He will most likely see this blog.  I hope he will understand what happened, and why I left. But if he does not, I am never going to put myself into that again.  I know Heavenly father was trying to warn me, of the life, I was going to live. I did not listen...But, I still have my life and I know I will be Safe and loved. I am certain Heavenly Father has forgiven me, as I have forgiven my Ex.  But I know it will take longer to forget.

Just in Spite

I think it is time for a bit of bitching and moaning.  I try things out a lot of times to see if I might like them.  I tried twitter, to confusing, Blog spot on a competitor, too dumb.  I also try things on Facebook, no success.  I am the worst at a lot of stuff I try.  So today I am whining to get my frustration out.  I mean I join other stuff, support those who need it.

But, my time and effort is never supported, barely even looked at.  Grrrrrr.  I think I should give up already.  I am doing well on Face book though.  I have a few friends and get a lot of texts.  I feel pretty good about that. I "borrow" a few pictures, ok I kidnap them.

I think I must be too sensitive, a bit pushy and a lot ungrateful.

I wish it were easy, everything worked exactly as I wanted.  But in this life, things are never perfect.  But, surely I could win just one..right?

I guess this is a short blog tonight.  More next time.

San Diego

I used to live in San Diego, it was near the Pacific Ocean.  Now I live in Provo, Utah, but this blog is about the Pacific Coast.  I lived in California for many many years.  I loved going to the Coast.  I have been to Malibu all the way up to San Refael.  I have enjoyed every inch of it.

When I lived in San Diego, I used to go to an area called Iroquois Point. It was a stretch of beach just north of Mexico.  It was a sandy beach, I enjoyed.  I watched the waves, had a picnic and walked along its route with my new husband, David.

Later, when we moved to Riverdale, we would go to Cambria, and stay with my in-laws in their trailer.  Again, we were at the beach, where we watched sea otters play and eat.  One time we saw a mother otter with her young one on her tummy.  We saw elephant seals, harber seals, and so much more.  I climbed some rocks and Dave snapped my picture.  After a while we brought our kids along.  They seemed to love it as much as I do.

I have been to Big Sur, which is almost a wilderness as it is remote and hard to get to by car.  Its road is so twisty that its like a ride in Disneyland.  Then, when you finally get there, its so quiet and peaceful.  The air is fresh, the trees lovely.  It rains, and that freshens everything.  I was blown away by the sheer cliffs, the water, and the trees.  There is a little trail that went along a small river.  I saw deer tracks, and the animals themselves.  I saw wild turkeys.

I also have been to Carmel and Monterrey...both incredible cities.  From the tiny magical cottages in Carmel and the canneries of Monterrey are charming.  I gathered rocks and shells from their beaches.  I shopped and ate in quaint restaurants. I stood and saw the Lone Cypress. I even drove the 17 mile drive and watched golfers at play, on the three courses..

One of my favorite places to see the Ocean was in San Francisco.  I went to the park there.  I watched ships and animals along its beaches.  I went to pier 39, to the zoo, and the oceanarium, the conservatory, and so many of the other places.  I touched the glass in the oceanarium and saw so many kind of fish.  I went to Haight and Ashbury streets, walked the grounds of the Universtty Hospital.

If you have not guessed by now, I love the ocean, and I miss it....Not much ocean on Provo. Ta Ta for now.

Birth and childhood

I wanted to talk a wee bit about me, who I am.  I was born December 10, 1952, yes a long time ago now. It was at Fairchild AFB in Spokane co. Washington  But for me, it does not seem so long.  I will be 60 on the next birthday.  I can remember as early as 3 or 4 seeing my mom doing laundry, she actually hung her clothes outside.  My two sisters would be out side with her in a large basket.  I remember her putting up sheets and jeans...I remember going for walks on rocks so hot they would burn my feet, and I would cry.

Later, I remember living in Vallejo, California, there was a little ridge in my back yard.  I would climb to the top of it as if I were climbing Mt Everest.  There was a large open field up there.  All of my brothers and sisters and I would use our imaginations and have so much fun there.  We even climbed the ridge to get to school, instead of going all the way around the big block we lived on. One time I sprained my ankle while trying to climb the ridge, it hurt so bad. My mom wrapped up and in a few days it was better.

The school there was called Beverly Hills Elementary, and when we moved to California the kids were jealous.  They thought I went to Beverly Hills in California. I kinda liked it though, because in some ways it made me popular, maybe I was a showbiz kid instead of an air force brat. I remember I went to 3 different schools that year, I was in third grade. 

I went to 4th and 5th grades there.  I started 6th grade in Vacaville, California.  I went to Willis Jepson Jr High School, I felt like a big kid there, I did not have to be in elementary anymore.  I was never a very good student, barely getting by.  I hated school work.  I stayed up many a night trying to fathom what the teacher had said and how to do the math. I struggled with English too, the nouns, verbs, what punctuation went where.

I started 9th grade at Vacaville High School. I walked everywhere in Vacaville, went downtown, to the movies, to the shops, everywhere all by myself. It was a safe place there.  No-one was stealing kids, we had fun.  There were no dangerous parts of town that I recall.  There was this one little store I used to go to when I had extra money.  They sold these tiny animals there.  I would buy a set for my mom every few weeks or so. Dogs, cats, horses, pretty little ceramic gems.

Later that same year, we moved again.  This time to Riverdale, California, near Fresno.  It was the first time I was exposed to bad kids, or maybe I just then noticed. I found the area ugly.  I hated the town and its clickish way.  I was an outsider and I could feel it. I bore with the behavior of the other students, but I was just a Freshman, 9th grader.  Things began to change, slowly I gained some friends, real special friends.  They called one groups nerds (bookish students), and the other the brainy kids (although some were dumber than rocks).  I gained friends in each group.  I did not mind being called a nerd, it was like a badge.  I did not mind that the smart kids liked me either.  I fit in finally.

I enjoyed school after tenth grade, I still was not good in Math, or English.  I took Art, Home Ec. Geography, and several subjects I was actually good at.  Riverdale is a small town, still relatively safe.  I knew there were some mean kids though.  It was the first time I was exposed to "black" kids.  I had seen blacks in the other schools I had gone to, but maybe one or two.  I was amazed at so many.  Ok I realized that sounds racist, but it is true.

I became friends with kids of all races...I love them all equally.  I would converse with them like we had known them forever.  However, some of the younger kids, the brothers and sisters to my friends were mean.  They had little respect or tolerance for other races.  I did not like them so much.  I fear if I had known them first, I would not be tolerant of other races either, so I sympathize with them.

I finally made it through.  I finally got my diploma in 1971....Then on to Jr. College...more of that next time.

Poochies

Anyone who knows me will tell you all I love Dachshunds.  I have owned one of these little darlings most of my adult life.  At one time I owned 4 at once.  Now I own just two, but one of those two is actually my daughter's dog.  My dog is Maxwell, aka Macky; and Jenny's dog is Baylee, aka Peanut. I have a special affinity for dogs, I feel like of all animals, they show the most love and affection.

I have never found another human who will love unconditionally like a dog.  They are remarkable, warm, silly, sweet and just a tad dangerous.  I find I can be myself and not pretend anything.  I don't care if the animal kisses me. I am no germ maniac. I realize that dogs can get terrific di
seases, rabies, cancer, degenerative disc disease, and so on.  But, I also know that with proper care, we can prevent a lot of what will hurt your dog.

I just want people to understand that a pet will calm you, soothe you, make life so much more wonderful.  I am especcially thankful for my little ones.  I have a mental illness, they keep me calm, and more sane.  I stroke their soft coat and feel comforted. I don't get as depressed, or as manical. I am on a more even keel.

I have had to learn patience.  I have learned to protect them, walk them, feed them....They are so like a small child.  You can spoil them, teach them, and learn from them.

I pray that we as a people will learn to protect animals.  I am saddened when I read about animal abuse.  What has a dog or cat ever done that would invite the pain and misery we sometimes inflict on  them? I have heard about a dog being dragged by its owner, because the animal did not know how to walk on a leash.  I saw a program where a man literally threw his cat out a 3rd story window, because it meowed. I have seen countless stories of animals being abandened by their owners, or left in sad conditions.  Puppy mills where the poor females are bred time after time until they are sick or dead.  So much pain, so much hatred.

Shelters are full of sad and neglected animals.  Some are killed because the abuse was so severe the animal is unable to be trusted.  What a crying shame. I am a bonafied sissy when it comes to harm or deliberate injury to animals, I cry to see them hurt.

I am done with my soap box, will write more later.

who am I

Sometimes I think life is an egg, tough around the edges, but very delicate inside.  I wish that I had the courage I needed to really take on the world and make it my own.  I am a runner, anything gets hard, I run away.  I hate confrontation, hate to fight.  And yet I struggle every day to keep from being run over.

Ok, I guess I should explain. I have, all my life, tried different things to make life as easy on myself as I could.  Mad schemes, stupid ventures, odd jobs, even some serious jobs.  For instance, I worked for the IRS.  I liked the job, but I have a lousy memory.  What I learned on Monday, I forgot by Tuesday. Or perhaps my temper got in the way.  I just could not do a good enough job at keeping a job. I never felt like I was good enough.  I had several people tell me so, I began to believe it myself.  

I always started out with good intentions, only to fail as I lost confidence in myself. I tried get rich schemes, but I just lost money at them.  I would lose interest, I finally just did not care. But then I would try again, same results.....time after time.

Basically, sometimes, I feel like a loser. I was lousy in school, barely passed.  I am not sure because I was never diagnosed, I may have ADHD....I just could not concentrate.  I would get so bored, I hated school. I hated teachers.  I hated having to do anything, any type of school work. I even got so angry at a teacher once, I literally tried to throw a chair at her.  I was messy, my desk was a disaster area.  Papers stuffed inside until the desk would hardly hold it.  Never could find my homework, even if I bothered to do it.

I found one thing I enjoyed, Art. I would draw, I am not good at it, but I would do it instead of Math or English.  I doodled, drew maps, made pictures.  Non of it very good, but infinitely more fun then school work.

The only other thing I am really good at....spending money.  My first husband and I were in debt to the tune of 35,000 dollars at one point.  I was amazed he did not toss me out on my behind.  We filed for bankruptcy of course.  I lied and tried to hide the bills.  I was a mess, it was a hard lesson to learn.  Still I can spend money like no-bodies business. I went through a 300,000 dollar life insurance policy in 18 months...that was supposed to last me my whole life......

Well, I need more to write about later, so this is it for today.