Its after 1:30 am., I am and I am sitting here on my bed. I have done something I am so scared about I am not even sure what to feel about it. As I have said here before, I am separated from my husband. Well I told him to kiss off tonight. I had thought I could still be his friend, well, actually I allowed him to black mail me into being his friend. He has hurt me so many times, and I am praying I will be smart enough this time to just let him go.
He has made promises only to break them. He had belittled me so much, I ached with shame. He finally lied one time too many. He tricked me one last time. I am appalled at his audacity and his complete disregard for decency. I am sure he is reeling right now. I am sure he is plotting his own death (again, and yet again). I am only sorry he could never learn to be kind and considerate of anyone else but himself.
I am sorry to sound like such a bitch, but honestly I have tried to be kind to him. I have been disappointed so much. I let him control my life and my living for 5 years. Five long and painful years, lost. I want my freedom, my mind to be open, my heart to be free. I need to forget he lives. I need to escape his grip. I just wish I did not hate his friggen guts so much.
I will divorce him, and throw away the key. I am so pissed off, I hate, I hurt, I am more than angry. I may someday forgive him, but not today. I must keep this resolve to escape. I am 700 miles from him, but I feel his hands on my throat. Damn him and curse him.
I am sorry he is mentally ill, sorry he makes everything an affront toward himself. He is the one who hurts, I am the mean one, I am evil, cruel and the cause of his pain....I admit I am in some ways. But I am not going to let that destroy me any longer.
Father forgive me if he actually does kill himself, but as I said, it does not make a difference now.
Yet, I feel compassion toward him. I am sorry for his pain, for his anger. He should be in hospital. He needs so much help.
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