Frustrated

I have to say this even though it may hurt.  I have been dealing with someone, who had been my friend      
and who I am extremely upset and unhappy with.  This person is both sweet and the devil to me.  I hate what I feeling.

Ok, I have been married on the past, my first husband and I spent 30 years together.  Then he passed away from a brain tumor.  He was a joyful and loving man.  I really loved him.. He gave me two incredibly special children.  I missed him so much... I was not a good wife to him..still he loved me so much.  He had many a good excuse to leave me.  He just kept struggling with my insanity, and I later found out I was Bi-polar. When things finally got better, He got sick and with in a few months he was gone.

So, I felt cast adrift.  I had gotten his insurance and it was a fairly substantial amount, enough to take good care of me.  But My disease made me foolish, I literally spent it all in 20 months.  Suddenly, I was out of the money I should have had.  I was desperate.  My disease made me fear being alone.  I needed someone to save me...I began to look for another paycheck.  I looked on line, I searched for someone to save me.  I played many games to get someone to "fall in love" with me.  After about six months, I found my patsy.

I did not care that he was emotionally unstable, I could change that.  I did not care if he had an anger management problem..I could fix that. I just saw dollar signs.  Someone who would help me and take care of me.  Perfect.

Then we met, he put his best foot forward, just was the sweetest man.  I did not listen to my inner voice that was screaming loud and clear...leave this person alone.  Do Not Get Involved With Him!! I was sure I knew better...so I closed that door and started a relationship. After another six months I convinced him to marry me.  I thought everything would be just wonderful.  The very day we went on our honey moon, a small but significant incident occurred.  I was started, but I shook it off.  Then in a bit he got peeved at a remark I made, and called me the same obscenity.  I was suddenly very upset.  I walked away, crying.

He came after me and apologized, so I felt I must have misunderstood. For about a year, my life was good.  Then things began to change, thoughtless wards, accusations, and misplaced anger.. I had done it, stepped into a woman's worse nightmare.  I didn't listen to my still small voice.  I was learning the very hard way what that meant.

He is an abuser.  My bi-polar did not help me, it made me explosive.  I gave him as he gave me.  Then 20 months ago he hit me.  3 years of a hard relationship had deteriorated into this.  He had pushed my daughter,  he threw angry words and curses at me. When he hurt my girl, I knew she had to get out for her own safety.  So, I let him talk me into making her go to my family.

I struggled with him for 2 more years. He made me spend all my money on him.  Then, there was a bad day, He slapped me, he hurled curses at me.  I felt I must have done something to anger him....so I cried and managed to get myself under control..

He had started taking drugs.  He was like the typical abuser, he would hurt me, he would apologize and I would forgive him.  Then he slapped me again, and then again. he even tried rape. One day he doubled up his fist, I knew things were totally out of control.  I was threatened with my life. But, he promised to change, he said how sorry he was.  I believed him, until he threatened me with a hand gun, and a knife. I knew I had to get out.  So finally, 11 months ago I got the courage together and packed some stuff, and ran for my life, to my sister's house.

I only returned to the house a few days later to get more of my stuff from the house. I had people with me, I would never have gone alone.  I gave him my car.  I had to get away from him, any sacrifice was worth it.  I went to Utah to stay with my niece. I tried to keep things cool with him, he had my things and my dogs.  I wanted to get as much as I could from him, I tried to be nice...but old anger and the pain of the abuse nearly undid me.  I stressed over every word I said. But, sometimes the anger would caused me to argue with him.  He threatened to kill me, and himself.  I knew it was possible.  Finally things stablized  enough to go back and get my things.  He tried suicide 5 times.  He is in the hospital right now as a matter of fact.

I am finally free, I cannot keep him from doing anything he wants to do.  He feels "so guilty" he wants to kill himself, in a vain attempt to make me go back to him.  I know, I was very stupid and selfish.  I am now ashamed of what I did to him.  But, I am also glad I am away from the nightmare.  He will most likely see this blog.  I hope he will understand what happened, and why I left. But if he does not, I am never going to put myself into that again.  I know Heavenly father was trying to warn me, of the life, I was going to live. I did not listen...But, I still have my life and I know I will be Safe and loved. I am certain Heavenly Father has forgiven me, as I have forgiven my Ex.  But I know it will take longer to forget.