who am I

Sometimes I think life is an egg, tough around the edges, but very delicate inside.  I wish that I had the courage I needed to really take on the world and make it my own.  I am a runner, anything gets hard, I run away.  I hate confrontation, hate to fight.  And yet I struggle every day to keep from being run over.

Ok, I guess I should explain. I have, all my life, tried different things to make life as easy on myself as I could.  Mad schemes, stupid ventures, odd jobs, even some serious jobs.  For instance, I worked for the IRS.  I liked the job, but I have a lousy memory.  What I learned on Monday, I forgot by Tuesday. Or perhaps my temper got in the way.  I just could not do a good enough job at keeping a job. I never felt like I was good enough.  I had several people tell me so, I began to believe it myself.  

I always started out with good intentions, only to fail as I lost confidence in myself. I tried get rich schemes, but I just lost money at them.  I would lose interest, I finally just did not care. But then I would try again, same results.....time after time.

Basically, sometimes, I feel like a loser. I was lousy in school, barely passed.  I am not sure because I was never diagnosed, I may have ADHD....I just could not concentrate.  I would get so bored, I hated school. I hated teachers.  I hated having to do anything, any type of school work. I even got so angry at a teacher once, I literally tried to throw a chair at her.  I was messy, my desk was a disaster area.  Papers stuffed inside until the desk would hardly hold it.  Never could find my homework, even if I bothered to do it.

I found one thing I enjoyed, Art. I would draw, I am not good at it, but I would do it instead of Math or English.  I doodled, drew maps, made pictures.  Non of it very good, but infinitely more fun then school work.

The only other thing I am really good at....spending money.  My first husband and I were in debt to the tune of 35,000 dollars at one point.  I was amazed he did not toss me out on my behind.  We filed for bankruptcy of course.  I lied and tried to hide the bills.  I was a mess, it was a hard lesson to learn.  Still I can spend money like no-bodies business. I went through a 300,000 dollar life insurance policy in 18 months...that was supposed to last me my whole life......

Well, I need more to write about later, so this is it for today.