Sometimes we make changes in our lives for the better. I am hoping this new person I'm trying to be is successful.  I won't make money or gain fame,  but I will gain peace and learn new skills. Scrap booking or crafts have always fascinated me. I am learning to trust my talents. I will never be truely great, but I will do the best I can with what my Heavenly Father gave me.

I hope and pray you all will have a great day, God Bless, Katie

Milestones

Today I turned a new milestone, I discovered I truly am no longer in love with my ex.  He called me and I felt nothing, no anger, no love, nothing.  Then after awhile I got online, and could not think of anything to say.   I think I am beginning to find my freedom.  I am not even concerned if he gets mad.  He will have to come and find me to actually hurt me again. I sincerely doubt if he has the guts to do that even.

I can finally get my divorce, I have nothing holding me back anymore.  I will file in November if possible.  I need to check legal services at church.  I will try to find out who I need to speak to Sunday.  I will also file for a temple divorce.  I made a huge mistake ever knowing my ex.  I do not need to continue this charade.

I at first let my family influence my dicision, but then I figured it was up to me.  He can think what ever he feels about the whole thing, it does not matter to me.  I don't love him, don't even care about him or his feelings.  He is a totally selfish and cruel man.

This post is a short one this time.  I cannot let this man influence me anymore.  I cannot let him manipulate me or put me into misery.  I hurt with his violent ways and I need to be strong for me.  I want to control my life.  I want to take care of me.  This will truly be the first time in my life I have ever done so.  

Freedom...an act of faith.

Its after 1:30 am., I am and I am sitting here on my bed.  I have done something I am so scared about I am not even sure what to feel about it.  As I have said here before, I am separated from my husband.  Well I told him to kiss off tonight.  I had thought I could still be his friend, well, actually I allowed him to black mail me into being his friend.  He has hurt me so many times, and I am praying I will be smart enough this time to just let him go.

He has made promises only to break them.  He had belittled me so much, I ached with shame.  He finally lied one time too many.  He tricked me one last time.  I am appalled at his audacity and his complete disregard for decency.  I am sure he is reeling right now.  I am sure he is plotting his own death (again, and yet again). I am only sorry he could never learn to be kind and considerate of anyone else but himself.

I am sorry to sound like such a bitch, but honestly I have tried to be kind to him.  I have been disappointed so much.  I let him control my life and my living for 5 years.  Five long and painful years, lost. I want my freedom, my mind to be open, my heart to be free.  I need to forget he lives.  I need to escape his grip. I just wish I did not hate his friggen guts so much.

I will divorce him, and throw away the key.  I am so pissed off, I hate, I hurt, I am more than angry.  I may someday forgive him, but not today.  I must keep this resolve to escape.  I am 700 miles from him, but I feel his hands on my throat. Damn him and curse him.

I am sorry he is mentally ill, sorry he makes everything an affront toward himself.  He is the one who hurts, I am the mean one, I am evil, cruel and the cause of his pain....I admit I am in some ways.  But I am not going to let that destroy me any longer.

Father forgive me if he actually does kill himself, but as I said, it does not make a difference now.

Yet, I feel compassion toward him.  I am sorry for his pain, for his anger. He should be in hospital.  He needs so much help.

Fairness

I just want to be free, I need a car.  I can use my daughter's, not that I am ungrateful, but its not the same.  I cannot go where I want, cannot do what I want. I am stuck in a gilded cage.  I am whining, but I have to get this out.  Its not fair.  I left my car with the Ex.  I am not going to give it to him...I don't give a damn if his sister paid for it.  Its in my name. I own it.

I am grateful, for so much..I just want to have my independence.  I want to go to the mall, get groceries, go for a drive...go the church on my own.  Is that too much to ask.  I know its not cheap, insurance, gas, maintainance.   I am just so sick and tired of being stuck.  I want what I want.

Every body else can do what they want, they can come and go.  I hate this. I hate living by someone else's schedule.  I don't want to do that anymore, it's not fair.

Cripes, I cannot go to church.

I wish I could accept this, its so stupid.

Pains

I am feeling kinda down today...I don't get it sometimes.  I have tried to do the right thing most of my life.  I have blown it so many times...I am really pissed off at myself.  I think I have friends and family, but they don't have time for me.  They whine and cry over their petty little lives, how rough they have it.  God they don't even appreciate the things they have.  I am\ so sick and tired of the all the bullshit.

I know right now I am being just as petty. but since this is my blog to put down my feelings so be it.  I get angry, upset and cannot handle the things that I have to deal with.  My Ex is a fucking lunatic, my sister is a cry baby, my nieces are morons.  My son is an ungrateful bastard, and my daughter a complainer.  Do they appreciate what they have......

I see the beauty in life, the trees, flowers, the rain, snow, and even the heat of the sun.  I am grateful for my little apartment.  I have my dogs, my health, my life.

But honestly, some days, its not enough.  I want to live, travel, be free, do what I please.  I am stuck in this little apartment.  I wish I had my car.  I wish I had any car.  I hate being dependent on someone
else...Don't.get me wrong, the car I use is very nice...but its not mine, I can't go where I want or do what I want.  I hate this...I hate all this.

I wanted to become independent, not stuck. I wanted to be free. I feel like I am in a gilded cage. Do I appreciate what I have....

I guess each of us are in need to more appreciation.  We need to accept the situation we have put ourselves in, or change it.  I for one would very much like to change it.  I do want to be free, more independent.  So, I better find a way to get a car...I like the idea of just going to the mall for no reason, or going for a drive, or doing things on my own schedule.  I am trying to find a way.  I will have to finance the car, insure it, gas, maintain it...This is not so cheap anymore.  But I want it darnit. I shall have it, oh yes I will.

I probably ask for more than I should have....but that's my right isn't it...

Fooey!!

Frustrated

I have to say this even though it may hurt.  I have been dealing with someone, who had been my friend      
and who I am extremely upset and unhappy with.  This person is both sweet and the devil to me.  I hate what I feeling.

Ok, I have been married on the past, my first husband and I spent 30 years together.  Then he passed away from a brain tumor.  He was a joyful and loving man.  I really loved him.. He gave me two incredibly special children.  I missed him so much... I was not a good wife to him..still he loved me so much.  He had many a good excuse to leave me.  He just kept struggling with my insanity, and I later found out I was Bi-polar. When things finally got better, He got sick and with in a few months he was gone.

So, I felt cast adrift.  I had gotten his insurance and it was a fairly substantial amount, enough to take good care of me.  But My disease made me foolish, I literally spent it all in 20 months.  Suddenly, I was out of the money I should have had.  I was desperate.  My disease made me fear being alone.  I needed someone to save me...I began to look for another paycheck.  I looked on line, I searched for someone to save me.  I played many games to get someone to "fall in love" with me.  After about six months, I found my patsy.

I did not care that he was emotionally unstable, I could change that.  I did not care if he had an anger management problem..I could fix that. I just saw dollar signs.  Someone who would help me and take care of me.  Perfect.

Then we met, he put his best foot forward, just was the sweetest man.  I did not listen to my inner voice that was screaming loud and clear...leave this person alone.  Do Not Get Involved With Him!! I was sure I knew better...so I closed that door and started a relationship. After another six months I convinced him to marry me.  I thought everything would be just wonderful.  The very day we went on our honey moon, a small but significant incident occurred.  I was started, but I shook it off.  Then in a bit he got peeved at a remark I made, and called me the same obscenity.  I was suddenly very upset.  I walked away, crying.

He came after me and apologized, so I felt I must have misunderstood. For about a year, my life was good.  Then things began to change, thoughtless wards, accusations, and misplaced anger.. I had done it, stepped into a woman's worse nightmare.  I didn't listen to my still small voice.  I was learning the very hard way what that meant.

He is an abuser.  My bi-polar did not help me, it made me explosive.  I gave him as he gave me.  Then 20 months ago he hit me.  3 years of a hard relationship had deteriorated into this.  He had pushed my daughter,  he threw angry words and curses at me. When he hurt my girl, I knew she had to get out for her own safety.  So, I let him talk me into making her go to my family.

I struggled with him for 2 more years. He made me spend all my money on him.  Then, there was a bad day, He slapped me, he hurled curses at me.  I felt I must have done something to anger him....so I cried and managed to get myself under control..

He had started taking drugs.  He was like the typical abuser, he would hurt me, he would apologize and I would forgive him.  Then he slapped me again, and then again. he even tried rape. One day he doubled up his fist, I knew things were totally out of control.  I was threatened with my life. But, he promised to change, he said how sorry he was.  I believed him, until he threatened me with a hand gun, and a knife. I knew I had to get out.  So finally, 11 months ago I got the courage together and packed some stuff, and ran for my life, to my sister's house.

I only returned to the house a few days later to get more of my stuff from the house. I had people with me, I would never have gone alone.  I gave him my car.  I had to get away from him, any sacrifice was worth it.  I went to Utah to stay with my niece. I tried to keep things cool with him, he had my things and my dogs.  I wanted to get as much as I could from him, I tried to be nice...but old anger and the pain of the abuse nearly undid me.  I stressed over every word I said. But, sometimes the anger would caused me to argue with him.  He threatened to kill me, and himself.  I knew it was possible.  Finally things stablized  enough to go back and get my things.  He tried suicide 5 times.  He is in the hospital right now as a matter of fact.

I am finally free, I cannot keep him from doing anything he wants to do.  He feels "so guilty" he wants to kill himself, in a vain attempt to make me go back to him.  I know, I was very stupid and selfish.  I am now ashamed of what I did to him.  But, I am also glad I am away from the nightmare.  He will most likely see this blog.  I hope he will understand what happened, and why I left. But if he does not, I am never going to put myself into that again.  I know Heavenly father was trying to warn me, of the life, I was going to live. I did not listen...But, I still have my life and I know I will be Safe and loved. I am certain Heavenly Father has forgiven me, as I have forgiven my Ex.  But I know it will take longer to forget.

Just in Spite

I think it is time for a bit of bitching and moaning.  I try things out a lot of times to see if I might like them.  I tried twitter, to confusing, Blog spot on a competitor, too dumb.  I also try things on Facebook, no success.  I am the worst at a lot of stuff I try.  So today I am whining to get my frustration out.  I mean I join other stuff, support those who need it.

But, my time and effort is never supported, barely even looked at.  Grrrrrr.  I think I should give up already.  I am doing well on Face book though.  I have a few friends and get a lot of texts.  I feel pretty good about that. I "borrow" a few pictures, ok I kidnap them.

I think I must be too sensitive, a bit pushy and a lot ungrateful.

I wish it were easy, everything worked exactly as I wanted.  But in this life, things are never perfect.  But, surely I could win just one..right?

I guess this is a short blog tonight.  More next time.